Hi, I’m Kathy and I am so excited to finally launch this practice. It was one of my goals for 2025 and there were times that I thought it wouldn’t happen! But here we are, in month 10, and ready to go!
For my official first blog, I thought it wise to share my story with you. My rock bottom!
It’s a story of hope, growth, healing, grace, and most importantly, self-love. In a year’s time, I have managed to completely change my life for the better (With a lot of help, work, resources, determination and the Grace of God). I know that my ‘rock bottom’ might not be so bad compared to others. I am very aware that some people may have it much worse than me. But the thing is, we don’t have to compare our stories with others. Our sorrows and our joys are unique. Each life and each story are precious. I’m sharing this because my story might resonate with some, offering hope and inspiration. And only one life touched will be worth it.
After a very difficult 2022, I was admitted to a mental health clinic in Johannesburg on 31 August 2022. Physically and mentally, I was drained. “How did I get here?”, I asked myself continuously… This answer is obviously not a short one. To get ‘here’ doesn’t happen overnight. It happens slowly. Day by day, year by year. One more kilogram added to my weight, one more self-loathing comment. Always comparing myself to others prettier, thinner, more popular. Always judging myself. Adding pressure on myself. And never quite being as perfect as I think I should be. Feeling like a failure. Mix that with the bad lifestyle of a newly graduated girl from university, moving to a big city by herself, trying to make a career and you get a disaster waiting to happen. And then your nearest GP prescribes a little pill that will make you feel better. And you feel a little better, but you gain more weight… which makes you feel worse again. And so it continues. Spiralling down, year after year.
But rock bottom is often a turning point in life and for me it definitely was!
The clinic became a transformative experience! The professionals all working there were extremely passionate, their purpose to mend fractured souls with kindness and devotion. They offered a very valuable program each day with sensible classes ranging from coping skills, life coaching, understanding mental health conditions, tools to building self-confidence and self-love, therapy, group-therapy, psychiatry, occupational therapy and even arts and crafts! No phones were allowed for most of the day and visitors were only allowed a few hours on weekends. The no phone policy suited me fine as mine was mostly on airplane mode using it only for listening to music and reading.
Expecting a private room, I was instead assigned to share a space with four other women. Initially, I craved solitude, but soon realized everyone felt the same. Everyone was quiet. Some crying softly, some sleeping, some reading. But no conversations at first.
I felt so guilty for being in the clinic. Not being able to be home for my two boys. My husband having to cope with everything all by himself (without ever complaining). But I also knew that even though I have been at home the past few months, I wasn’t really there. And that didn’t help them either. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and I owed it to my family (and myself!) to fill my cup!
Slowly, my co-patients and I started to talk. I discovered that two of my room mates had failed suicide attempts the week before, one of which had to be resuscitated. I remember the overwhelming feeling of sadness and despair in the room. It was what connected us all. And I soon realised something else: You don’t see any judgment in their eyes. More like an acknowledgment: “I see you and your pain, and I accept you as you are.” We all had something in common.
Gradually, conversations unfolded among us that brought a shared sense of understanding and empathy. We supported each other as we struggled through medication adjustments, tough therapy sessions and facing our unique battles. Sheltered from the real world outside. I started to realise that I have so much to be grateful for. Yes I’m fat, but at least I wasn’t in an abusive relationship where I lost literally all my teeth. Or in a relationship with a narcissist, who kept breaking me down until I was a shadow. I didn’t get retrenched or bullied at work. I may be addicted to food, but at least not to drugs and alcohol.
Day by day I felt my soul peeking more through the dark cloud that surrounded it. I worked hard! I attended every class that they offered, took notes, did the self-work and made it my own. I saw my therapist and psychiatrist almost daily. A stern kind of therapist, not allowing me to lie to her or myself. I took my new meds and prayed that it won’t have to be too much of a trial-and-error situation. I journaled, catching my default negative self-talk (all lies!), changing them into more positive thoughts (the truth!). I read Scripture and prayed and knew I was not alone and that our Heavenly Father has a wonderful plan for my life.
After a week, I noticed a change in myself as I had the urge to put on makeup-a tell-tale sign that I was improving. And after two weeks I felt stronger and ready (but nervous) to face the outside world again!
I knew these 2 weeks were not a miracle fix, but it was a start. A new beginning to do things differently, to heal my thoughts, self-love and my unhealthy body. I knew it was going to take time, but I also knew I WILL get there! With God’s help, the support of my loved ones and more hard work and dedication. And for the first time in a long time, I believed it! And I was looking forward to the future!
Just a note on depression medication: Although it was a chapter in my journey, I believe it was the work I’ve done on myself that made the real and lasting transformation. Which is why I decided to become a life coach!
In my next blog I will tell you about life after the clinic… and how I continued to work on myself to the point where I don’t even recognize the ‘old me’.
Until then, clear your mind and shine your light!
Kathy